Possibilities and hope

We’ve been having a tough time since our first IVF. Lots of hopeless moments has led us to constant prayer but also to search for possibilities and to rekindle that hope.

My husband has taken the MFI diagnosis so badly… He felt that if we did try IVF again and even it brought us a pregnancy, he would still be worthless in his inability to conceive naturally. This has left him in a very dark space and seriously needed to find a reason to have hope again.

After much discussion we decided to chat to our FS to advise us on what we could do. He referred us to a urologist where we could discuss possible options to correcting his idiopathic obstructive azoospermia and the resulting discussion was positive!

My husband can undergo something called a vasogram to distinguish where the obstruction may be and with 95% of cases this urologist has seen, it’s usually at the ejaculatory duct which can be easily corrected. Obviously, the chances of the obstruction being elsewhere is there and if it is, he can’t offer surgery options.

Regardless, this bit of information has given my husband so much hope that he smiled so buoyantly for the first time, in a long time, on our way back to the car.

We’ll consider whether to postpone trying IVF again and focus on the surgery options or even possibly do both simultaneously… most importantly, our hope is rekindled because we have an additional option and possibility and by default once step closer to becoming parents.

Still I carry on

I’ve been quiet.

The last few months have been very tough for me.

I turned 30 and my proverbial biological clock seems to be ticking ever louder. I can feel my uterus twinge… I literally ache in broodiness.

I’m plagued with so many emotions… anger, frustration, hopelessness, fear… the list carries on. But I feel like I need to relinquish all of it because I’m meant to comfort my husband and ease his pain of bearing the burden of carrying the cause of our infertility.

I respect him wanting to keep our infertility a secret, but it seems this secrecy leaves me feeling isolated… from the world and sometimes even him.

Still I carry on… I brush my teeth, I swim in the sea, I do the laundry, I clean the dishes, I go to work… I try to be normal.

But how normal can I be when the comfort of my mother and to be able to share with a friend that we’ve gone through one failed IVF seems taboo

Though I know I am not… this is why I feel alone.

Everyday I pray that the Almighty makes this weight easier for me to carry… but today is a difficult day.

I have that choke in my throat and I feel ready to crumble.

Still I carry on…

To be a father

My husband’s father died in a horrific car accident when he was only 6 years old. Even though he only had his dad around for a short period of his life, his memory of him is most vivid.

He remembers how his dad was playful, disappearing for a while to play Atari at an arcade.

He remembers how he was silly and no where near as good as his mom at reading bed time stories.

He remembers how he was successful, having an accomplished career and being able to drive a new car every year.

These are tidbits from my husband’s childhood memory bank, but as he grew up, he’s become to love his father even more from what his family has shared about him.

About his dad’s caring and charitable nature, because sometimes when he disappeared to play Atari he also went to buy some bread and milk to take to his brother in law who was having a tough time financially.

About his romantic side, because while mom was better at reading bed time stories it gave him a chance to bake up a banana bread to snack on while watching TV after the kids were asleep.

About how he shared his good fortune, by taking the entire family away on holidays and took on a patriarchal role that kept them all together.

His life has been impacted so much by his dad and he has learnt more about him as an adult that his adoration is so tangible, it’s as if his father only left this world yesterday.

He idolizes his father in every way a son would.

I never met my father in law, but feel I have come to know him through my husband because of how much their character resembles. I imagine and am sure he even shares all his quirks with his dad. But mostly, I know my husband aspires to be as wonderful a father as he remembers his dad was.

Regardless of our fertility woes I believe my husband was destined to be a father and I will muster up all the strength I need and do whatever it takes to one day bear the children, who I know, will love and idolize my husband as much as he loves and idolizes his father.

To face denial

DW’s confessions:

I’m going to be honest now… This BFN made me realize how much denial I’m in regarding our infertility.

When I went off the pill, the “know it all” folks said it takes some time for your body to regulate… I didn’t believe that.

Even after the first year, when my OB/GYN said we should try for another 6 months, I had an inkling that something was wrong… but insisted to believe that everything happens in due time.

It seemed like everyone was falling pregnant around me… but I refused to obsess. I didn’t want to chart my BBT or use ovulation predictors.

We went for the basic fertility screening and though my husband’s semen analysis showed azoospermia… there was nothing wrong with me so it’s not that bad.

After seeing out fertility specialist and starting our first IVF process… my logic was that if there were embryos, they would just stick.

Then the BFN came!

This is when I realized that dealing with infertility is something bigger than I ever thought it was. What a test in humility!

I’m having many difficult days dealing with the devastation after our failed IVF… then I also have to be strong enough to console my husband when he constantly apologizes because he believes it’s his fault.

I know that Allah doesn’t test us with more than we can handle, but right now I feel defeated and just wish that this painful emptiness would simply disappear.

The reality of a BFN

Yesterday, our first beta came back a BFN.

الحمد لله … That’s all we can say.

Though the disappointment is devastating and the emotional and mental shock is traumatic.

Verily with every difficulty come ease. [Qur'an 94:5]

There are no other words.